Why know Why?

Zilele astea ma gandeam la fiica-mea si la cat de scumpa este in perioada “De ce”-urilor si mai ales a intrebarilor de genul “ce este asta?”, mai ales cand arata cu degetelul vreun musafir J))).

Partea si mai frumoasa este aceea in care face ce ii spun sa faca doar daca intelege “de ce”-ul din spatele rugamintii mele.

Spre exemplu, daca ii spun sa nu traga un pahar cu apa de pe masa, mai mult ca sigur o va face. In schimb, daca o atentionez ca  paharul este greu si daca il trage se va uda, cumva, printr-o minune, ma asculta si il lasa la locul lui.

Ei bine, ducand mai departe ideea, ma gandeam la relatiile intre adulti, in care de ce-ul cumva s-a cam pierdut pe drum. Rar ne facem timp sa explicam de ce actionam intr-un anumit fel si ce anume ne-a “ajutat” sa avem o anumita gandire la care poate interlocutorul nostru nici nu s-ar fi gandit, mai ales atunci cand avem pareri contradictorii sau situatia escaladeaza spre conflict.

Zilele trecute faceam un curs online pe site-ul edx.org, despre stiinta gandirii de zi cu zi (“The science of everyday thinking”) si intr-un modul am aflat cat de important este pentru noi sa primim indicii pentru a ne ajuta creierul sa inteleaga o situatie anume. In acest modul era prezentat un experiment:

·         In faza 1: cercetatorul, in fata unui auditoriu, bate cu pixul intr-o carte notele din melodia “Twinkle Twinkle little star” si ne anunta inainte ca va face acest lucru. Totul decurge normal, intuim ca exact acesta este ritmul melodiei

·         In faza 2: cercetatorul nu ne mai spune ce melodie “fredoneaza” cu pixul si ne roaga sa intuim despre ce cantec a fost vorba.

Ce s-a intamplat? Dintr-o mie de cursanti, doar 2,5% au ghicit numele melodiei si ghici ce: experimentul dateaza din 1980, de cand Elisabeth Newton l-a aplicat pentru prima data (devenind ulterior tema dizertatiei) , asteptandu-se ca 50% din auditoriu sa raspunda corect. Din pacate cifrele au aratat acelasi procent de 2,5%, concluzia fiind aceea ca este foarte greu sa te pui in papucii celui din fata ta si sa vezi lucrurile din perspectiva sa. Nu este “rocket science” cum ar spune unii, e o concluzie de bun simt, insa cu toate acestea alegem sa o ignoram, mai ales cand devenim implicati emotional intr-o discutie in contradictoriu.

Ce se intampla atunci? Brusc ne asteptam ca “agresorul” nostru sa ne inteleaga exact situatia si sa actioneze exact asa cum ne-am astepta noi. Si ce surpriza neplacuta cand lucrurile nu sunt asa cum le asteptam J- vorba bancului “ -Da, draga- Costele, acum nu ma asculti, nu? –Da, draga, cum spui tu”.

De la o vreme incoace ma ajuta foarte mult ca in loc de reactia spontana de atac=aparare sa ma gandesc pur si simplu la motivele pentru care o anumita persoana  a reactionat intr-un anume fel fata de mine. Mai ales in situatii dificile, in care probabilitatea sa te simti atacat este mult mai mare.

Dupa cum stim, sau nu, cand ne simtim amenintati, reactionam dupa modelul ataca, fugi sau fa ape mortul- ni se trage de demult J, de la stramosii nostri.

Eu sunt genul de persoana care ataca la atac, si  deoarece pentru unii s-ar putea sa fie amuzant sa vada o mana de om cum devine “magarul violent” , m-am reorientat spre un comportament mai puternic constructiv.

Iata ce m-a ajutat pe mine sa am o relatie mai buna cu cei din jur:

• ·         Cand identifici o situatie cu potential de alerta  (conflictuala) in care esti implicat/a direct, in primul rand gandeste-te care sunt motivele ce au determinat persoana de langa tine sa reactioneze asa cum nu ti-ai fi dorit- pentru asta va trebui sa asculti, pe bune! Jsi chiar sa te pui in papucii acelei persoane, din nivelul tau de intelegere
• ·         Gandeste-te care sunt motivele ce te-au condus pe tine sa ajungi in acel context
• ·         Intelege si constientizeaza ca motivele tale sunt diferite de motivele celui din fata ta
• ·         Adu discutia la un sens comun
• ·         Explica ce te-a determinat sa actionezi asa cum ai facut-o si cum intelegi tu ca persoana a fost afectata sau viceversa, cum te-a afectat pe tine comportamentul unei anumite persoane
• ·         Asigura-te ca aveti aceeasi intelegere si trageti concluzii de comun acord, care sa fie win win pentru ambele parti.

Tot timpul m-au ajutat sa ies “nesifonata” din astfel de situatii  doua intrebari:

1. -          Ce stiu?
2. -          Ce este ceea ce cred ca stiu?

Cel mai bun exemplu pe care il pot da este din viata personala, si face referire la acele situatii in care inca nu ma inteleg cu mama mea, care are o parere total diferita fata de a mea. Pe vremuri ne-am fi certat si apoi aveam un joc de genul “care cedeaza primul”- evident era mama, caci ea avea minte, spre deosebire de altii J.

Acum, daca nu ne intelegem, ii explic de ce gandesc intr-un anumit fel si ce anume m-a facut sa gandesc asa. Mama explica mai rar insa ce s-a schimbat enorm este faptul ca intelege de ce iau anumite decizii si daca nu este de acord imi explica de ce. Nu este cazul sa mentionez ca este cea mai scumpa fiinta de pe Pamantul asta pentru mine acum, deoarece de ani buni de zile suntem ca o echipa cu aceeasi inima- sper sa fiu si eu la fel pentru fiica mea J.

Ei bine, sper sa va ajute ce m-a ajutat pe mine- si daca aveti alte Solutii, why not share? J

Seara frumoasa tuturor!

Catalina
                                                    English version :)

I was thinking of my daughter these days and of how sweet she is now,  in the “Why?”s period- especially when he asks me “what is THAT, mommy?” pointing out her little finger towards my guests at home:)))).

The part I enjoy most is that when she follows my advices only if she understands the Why behind them.

For example, if I ask her not to drag that glass of water off the table, she most certainly will. Instead, if I tell her that the glass is too big for her hands and she will get wet by dragging it off the table, somehow, miraculously, she listens to my advice and leaves it in place.

Well, carrying forward the idea, I was also thinking about the nature of the communication relationships between adults and about the fact that, somehow, we’ve lost the why.  We rarely take the time to explain our actions and what “helped” us think in a certain way, a way that maybe was totally out of our interlocutor’s mind, especially when we have different points of view or when the situation escalates to conflict.  

These days I was learning on edx.org about the science of everyday thinking and in one of their modules I found out just how important it is for us to get the right clues in order to help our brain to understand a particular situation.  It was on this online class that I found out about one interesting experiment:

• ·         In Phase 1: the investigator, in front of an auditorium, is asked to perform for a room full of people, by tapping out a tune for everyone to hear. The song is "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" -he let us knew the title before he did this. All went well, we felt that this was precisely the music he told us would be.
• ·         In Phase 2: the researcher didn’t tell us which song he tapped in his performance and in the end he asked us to infer what the song was about.

  

      What happened? Out of a hundred students, only 2,5% guessed the song title and guess what: this experiment was first dated in 1980, when Elisabeth Newton tried it for the first time, expecting that 50% of her audience would respond correctly to the second part. Unfortunately figures showed the same percentage of 2.5%, the conclusion being that it is very hard to put yourself in the shoes of your interlocutor and see things from his perspective . It is not "rocket science" as some would say, a comon sense conclusion, but nonetheless we choose to ignore it, especially when we become emotionally involved in a controversy.

What happens then? Suddenly we expect our "aggressor"  to understand exactly our situation and act exactly as we expect us to do. What an unpleasant surprise when things don’t turn out the way  we expect them to J-just like the joke: “ Yes, dear – You’re not listening to me, are You? -Yes, dear, it’s like you say” .

As the time past by, what really helped was having a different approach for conflicts- now, instead of using attack as a defensive behavior, I simply think about the whys- the reasons that might have conducted my interlocutor’s behavior towards me. The whys helped me especially in those difficult/conflictual situations, when the probability for me to feel under attack was bigger.

As we all know, or not, as we feel threat, we act upon the model ” attack, run or play dead” –it’s in our ancient brain.

I’m the attacker kind of person and, as for some of us might be funny to see such a tinnish person like me becoming “the violent donkey”, I’ve switched my behavior toward a constructive side.

Here's what helped me having a better relationship with people around me, and my advice for you:

·                     ·          When you identify a potential alert situation (or conflict) in which you are directly involved, first think about the reasons that led the person next to you to react in a way you haven’t wished for- now is the time for you to listen, like really listen!  :) and even put yourself in the shoes of that person  (in your level of understanding)

·                     ·          Think about the reasons that led you in that context

·                     ·          Understand and realize that your reasons are different than the reasons your interlocutor has

·                     ·          Bring the discussion to a common acceptance

·                     ·          Explain what caused you to act as you did and how you understand that the person was impaired or vice versa, how did the conduct of the other person affected you

·                     ·          Make sure you have the same understanding and draw some constructive conclusions, so that the final agreement would be win win for both parties.

I have two questions that helped me getting out “safe” from situations like these:

1.       What Do I Know?

2.      What is it that I Think I know?

The best example I can give you is from my personal life, and refers to those situations where my “aggressor” was my mom, having totally different opinions from mine. Once, we would have had a verbal “fight” followed by the “who gives up first” game – of course, it was always my mother to give up first because she had a brain she used, unlike others :).

Now, if we don’t manage to get to a similar point of view, I explain her the whys that led me to a certain conclusion. My mom still gives me her whys rarely but the important thing is that she understands the reasons behind my decisions and if she still disagrees she tells me why. There is no need to mention that she is the top three dearest persons of all for me on this planet, my team mate, my heart- I hope to be able to reach the same level with my daughter too :) .

Well, I hope that what helped me helps or will help you and if you have some extra sollutions, why not share? :)

Have a great evening, everyone!

Catalina