Butoanele “rabdarii”

Ati auzit expresia “m-a scos din sarite”? Dar “M-a scos din pepeni”? Dar “ nu are toate tiglele pe casa”? J

Astazi am sa va povestesc cate ceva despre sursa acestor expresii pe care le-am folosit cel putin o data sau pe care le-am auzit in jurul nostru, astfel incat sa intelegem mai bine de unde ni se trage- cu alte cuvinte de ce reactionam intr-un mod mai putin controlat in anumite situatii, cum putem intelege “de ce”-ul si ce am putea face odata ce am constientizat ce se intampla cu noi.

Am sa pastrez ideea cat se poate de simpla si am sa va spun ca avem niste mici butoane care, odata apasate, genereaza niste reactii deosebite, ce pot functiona atat in favoarea cat si in defavoarea noastra.

Modelul  SCARF implica 5 domenii ale experientei umane din punct de vedere social: Status, Certitudine, Autonomie, Relationare si Fairness (Corectitudine- am pastrat formula in engleza pentru a mentine modelul J ).

STATUS

• -          Face referire la importanta statusului social si la cum acesta din urma ne afecteaza in relatia cu cei din jur.
• -          Status-ul este un factor determinant al longevitatii si calitatii vietii dintotdeauna . Sa va dau cateva exemple- pentru inceput haideti sa ne gandim la primate. Acestea traiesc in comunitati iar statusul=supravietuire.  Cel mai puternic este unanim recunoscut si este cel care ia deciziile pentru intreaga comunitate, pentru care reprezinta un sistem de referinta in lupta pentru supravietuire si bunastare. 
• -          Cand castigam un joc, un concurs, avem rezultate deosebite pentru care suntem felicitati, ghiciti ce se intampla: butonul Status se activeaza si chiar influenteaza diverse reactii in organism, precum cresterea dopaminei. In sensul opus, pierderea de Status se resimte realmente la fel ca o durere fizica- va amintiti prima suferinta din dragoste? Durea ceva, nu stiati ce dar durea ca naiba si abia va reveneati? Asta pentru ca Statusul vostru nu mai era acelasi, iar durerea pierderii acestuia este similara unei dureri fizice, tot datorita modificarilor din organism pe care le suferim.

Nu mai este nevoie sa mentionez cat de sensibili suntem si cat de repede ni se apasa acest buton, generand reactii de bunastare sau de amentintare cu cel mai mic efort, de multe ori neintentionat, din partea celor apropiati.

CERTITUDINE

• -          Creierul nostru este ca o masina care in permanenta incearca sa recunoasca sabloane, dupa care sa functioneze.  De aceea dam rezultate bune atunci cand stim clar ce se asteapta de la noi- practic vizualizam finalitatea, iar subconstientul nostru incepe sa lucreze pentru noi, astfel incat sa ne ajute sa luam decizii cat mai bune.
• -          Vi s-a intamplat sa va enervati atunci cand cineva v-a cerut ceva dar nu stia foarte bine ce? Ce simtiti cand sunteti alaturi de un nehotarat care pe deasupra nici nu stie ce vrea? Deja v-am agitat putin, nu-I asa? Ei bine, asta pentru ca butonul de Certitudine lucreaza- el are nevoie sa stie informatii, astfel incat creierul nostru sa poata zugravi cat mai multe alternative pentru viitor, sa gaseasca Solutii minunate, pe care le vor aprecia si altii, astfel incat sa resimtim din nou acea crestere a nivelului de Status ;). V-ati prins cum functioneaza treaba, nu? Bine, eu am dat un singur exemplu, nu trebuie sa fie corelat neaparat cu butonul de Status- cu siguranta intelegeti ideea J
• -          Haideti sa va dau un exemplu la care nu v-ati gandit pana acum asa: reveniti in vacanta intr-un loc care v-a placut. Placerea este cu atat mai mare cu cat stiti mai bine locul, nu mai trebuie sa bajbaiti, reveniti in locurile preferate, poate la oameni pe care i-ati cunoscut candva.  Retraiti altfel rasaritul de soare, zilele de odihna si relaxare…Asta pentru ca certitudinea este strans corelata de predictibilitate. Predictibilitatea de incredere. Increderea de actiune si ideile pot continua J.

AUTONOMIE

• -          Este o nevoie a noastra ca oameni, unul dintre motivele pentru care in zilele noastre nu mai exista sclavagism. Da, poate ca exista sub diverse forme adaptate timpurilor noastre …sa trecem mai departe totusi J.
• -          Autonomia este strans corelata de ideea de a avea de ales.
• -          Ia ganditi-va putin cum ati reactiona daca cineva ar veni la voi sa va spuna ca trebuie sa faceti ceva pentru ca “asa spun eu”- la munca sa zicem. Nu? Simtiti cum lucreaza? J Haideti sa va dau o solutie care uneori este folosita impotriva noastra, fara sa ne dam seama:” dragule, unde vrei sa mergem , la film sau in parc?”. Autonomia nu este direct atacata, pentru ca ai alternativa. De cele mai multe ori cauti sa alegi una dintre cele doua variante, insa unde este autonomia daca tu vrei sa mergi la pescuit? J (de asta ulciorul spart nu merge de multe ori la apa ;) ).

RELATIONARE

• -          Relationarea face referire la apartenenta individului de un grup- esti in trib sau in afara lui.
• -          Cel mai puternic exemplu la care ma pot gandi acum este dat de anturajul adolescentilor- “daca nu fumezi nu faci parte din gasca”.” Nu vii in club? Ramai acasa- singur. Si alta data tot singur vei fi”. Este un buton care poate sa inlfuenteze enorm deciziile, pentru ca noi, ca oameni, asa am supravietuit- in turma. Asa ne-am dezvoltat, ne place sa apartinem de un grup, o familie etc.
• -          Sa va mai dau un exemplu, pentru situatia in care relationarea lucreaza impotriva noastra: preferati o petrecere in care cunoasteti 5 oameni sau una in care nu cunoasteti pe nimeni? J Stupid, stiu, dar stiti voi, ca sa intelegem ideea J..asta e relationarea.

FAIRNESS (CORECTITUDINEA)

• -          Corectitudinea a jucat un rol foarte important in istorie. Noi ca oameni suntem orientati cu predilectie catre trocurile corecte, acel win win care este vehiculat in orice curs de negociere. Nu iti pot vinde ceva daca acel ceva nu te avantajeaza. Ei bine, atunci cand butonul este activat, emotiile generate pot fi atat de puternice incat te pot face sa iti dai viata pentru acea nevoie de corectitudine- haideti sa ne gandim la Horea, Closca si Crisan, sau la orice revolutie va vine in minte. Exemplele sunt multe si continua si in zilele noastre- din pacate. 
• -          Cert este ca nevoia de corectitudine exista in fiecare dintre noi si de cele mai multe ori este mai activa la persoanele care au valori personale bine impamantenite si mai putin activa la…stiti voi, restul J.

Aceasta a fost o scurta descriere a butoanelor modelului SCARF.

As vrea sa va mai povestesc si despre cum le putem mari/micsora, pentru o mai buna calitate a interactiunilor avute cu cei din jur.

Pentru a putea face asta insa, va dau un site , pe care sa intrati si sa vedeti care este pentru voi ordinea si ponderea fiecarui buton in parte. Asa ca intrati aici: http://www.scarfsolutions.com/SelfAssessment.aspx

 Dupa, solutiile J.

Enjoy!

Catalina

English

Have you ever heard of “getting under someone’s skin”? How about “getting on someone’s nerve”? Or “putting someone’s monkey up”? J

Today I want to tell you something about the source of these expressions used by all of us at least once, told or heard, in order to better understand the why-s  behind our behaviours, once we’ve been irritated by someone behind our control zone. The most important thing is how we make things better , once we’ve managed to identify a pattern for that.

My wish is to keep thing simple and I’ll do that by telling you  that we all have some “buttons”  that, once clenched, produce some special reactions that can work for or against us.

The SCARF model involves 5 aspects of our social experience: Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness.

STATUS

-          Refers to relative importance to others.

-          status is the most significant determinant of human longevity and health, and it has been so since ever. Let’s think about primates for example- they live in communities and for them status=survival. The strongest of them all is the leader, taking live and survival decisions in order for the community to flourish, not just survive. He is a reference for their well being standards .

-          Also, when we win a match, a contest, or when we have been congratulated for our results, we have an increase in Status. Our body reacts in a special way, by increasing the dopamine levels.  Yet, if we experience a status loss, our body feels like having a physical pain- do you remember your first  love agony? There was a lot of hurt, you didn’t knew why but it hurt like hell. The Status “button” had a word on that. By loosing status you experienced a real physical pain among others J.

-          There is no need for me to mention how sensitive we are when someone presses our Status button. A small word can hurt us a lot or take us to a great place for our egoJ.

CERTAINTY

-          The brain is a pattern-recognition machine that is constantly trying to predict the near future.  That is why we sustain better results when we clearly know what we aim for- we practically see the result and our subconsciousness  works for us to get the best applicable solutions in one matter.

-          Have you ever got upset when someone asked for your help but they didn’t knew what they wanted in the first place? How do you feel about having next to you a person who has absolutely no clue about what they want? Are you shaking a little ?:) Well that’s because the Certainty button works for us- he needs information in order for our brain to predict the best possible solutions, maybe appreciated by others and influencing thereby our status level. You got the picture, right? Well, this was just an example, it doesn’t necessarily has to influence the status – you got the idea.

-          Let me give you some other example: you return for you holiday to a place you’ve been before. The pleasure Is higher as you know the place, you don’t have to expect surprises as you visit your favourite places, even people left behind. You get to have a different experience for the sunsets, your relaxation moments. That I because certainty is related to predictability. Predictability to trust. Trust to action etc.

AUTONOMY

-          Autonomy is a basic need for us as people, one of the reasons we no longer have slaves in this century. Oukay, maybe we do have, in a different concept but that’s not the point today J.

-          Autonomy means having a choice.

-          Let’s think for a moment how would we react if someone told us to do something because “they say so”. At work for example. Do you feel autonomy working? Let me give you a solution for that that is often used against us :” dear, would you like u to go to the movie or for a walk in the park?” Autonomy is not affected, because you have an alternative and you tend to choose one of the two proposals. Or is it? What if you wanted to go fishing? J

RELATEDNESS

-          Relatedness involves deciding whether others are ‘in’ or ‘out’ of a social group. Whether someone is friend, or foe

-          The most important example I can think about right now is the teenagers entourage . Thing like “if you don’t smoke you’re not a part of this group, because you are not one of us “ etc. Relatedness can influence our decisions and whole behavior because we, as individuals, survived in a tribe, we love to belong to a tribe (family, group of friends etc).

-          Let me give you another example of how relatedness works: do you prefer to go to a praty with 5 people you know or one that has nobody known? Stupid example, I know, but it’s important for you to understand how it works J.

FAIRNESS

-          Fiarness played an important role in our history. We are naturally born to make fair trades , that win win result we heard of in our negotiation courses. I can’t sell you something if it’s not good for you etc. Well, when fairness is activated, the emotions generated can cause life loses , for the cause- let’s think about the French revolution or about any revolution. We have noumerous examples of heroes.

-          For sure the need of fairness does exists in all of us and most of the times is more active to those who have a personal set of values  and less active to…you know, the rest J.

This was a short description of the SCARF model.

I would like to tell you about how we can control the input but first of all let me give you a site where you can test your SCARF:  http://www.scarfsolutions.com/SelfAssessment.aspx

Best practices- to be continued J.

Enjoy!

Catalina